Stir Crazy
by cheri1
Summary: Eleven/River with Amy/Rory. Crackfic. Every few centuries the Doctor's mind powers down to allow it to rest and his IQ drops to the level of a human moron for three days. Unfortunately, Amy, Rory and River must be in lockdown in the TARDIS while it happens.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Amy, Rory and River were relaxing together in the TARDIS lounge when the Doctor suddenly came into the room, a grim look on his youthful face.

"I have some bad news," he said to them.

"Yeah?" Amy said while everyone gave him their full attention.

"Well, how do I explain this," the Doctor said, walking over to a chair and slumping down into it. "We have to stay inside the TARDIS for the next three days."

"Why?" Rory said.

"Because…I won't be myself and the TARDIS is going to have us on lockdown…or me, at any rate."

His wife and in-laws shared a look.

"And why won't you be yourself?" Amy said.

"Well, see…a Time Lord's brain is filled with all the knowledge of the universe along with knowledge of all the timelines and sometimes…it needs a break, my mind, I mean. So every few centuries, my mind…well, it sorta shuts down so it can get a bit of rest."

"So…you're going into a coma for three days?" River said.

"Not exactly. Well, it'll feel like a coma for me but it's like when something is overheating and you put it on minimal power to let it cool down? My IQ points will be dropping down to the level of let's say…Forest Gump."

"You're going to be retarded for three days?" Amy said in disbelief.

"Well, you could put it that way. I won't be a drooling idiot but I won't be the brightest spark either," the Doctor said.

"And when does this IQ drop start?" Amy said warily.

"Midnight. So by the time morning rolls around, I'll be acting peculiar," the Doctor said. "Thought I'd give you fair warning."

"And we're going to be locked in here with you," Rory said.

"Well, the TARDIS locks me in to keep me safe and keep others safe. You could leave but you wouldn't be able to get back inside for three days. So, you'd be homeless during that time, which is why I think you should stay."

"You won't hurt us, will you?" Amy said.

"No, no, no. I'll just act weird but I'll still know who you are and who I am so there's no danger," the Doctor said. "Anyway, carry on. I'll go and read and enjoy my IQ for the rest of the day. Cheers!"

The Doctor got up and everyone watched while he strolled out the door. Once he was gone, Amy looked at her daughter and husband.

"Why am I suddenly dreading the next three days?" she said to them.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One

(Day One…)

Amy kept her eyes open for the Doctor while she and her husband made their way to the kitchen. It was six in the morning of the first day of the Doctor's mental power down but so far it'd been quiet.

They went into the kitchen and Rory told Amy to sit down and relax while he made them breakfast. He was rooting around in the fridge when the Doctor suddenly burst into the room.

"MORNIN' HOUSE!" he screeched at them. "It's a fantabulous morning and I'm totally psyched for a day of soap opera watching. Can't miss my stories after all. Incidentally," he said, holding up a copy of The Sun. "Seen today's Sun? I got a copy from the year 1,125 and you won't believe what's going on with Jersey Shore this week!"

"Jersey Shore is still on in the year 1,125?" Amy said as he plopped down.

"Oh yes, it's the most popular show ever. Outdid Baywatch ages ago. Anyway, according to The Sun, Snooki the 23rd went to this Malibu beach house and threw her bikini in the barbecue grill and danced around naked for the President of the United States while singing Everybody, Backstreet's Back for her. It caused quite a controversy at the time especially since Snooki the 23rd was still a hermaphrodite and her john thomas was bobbing up and down in front of the president's face."

"Sounds riveting," Amy muttered to him while he gave her the goofiest grin ever.

"Oh, it was," the Doctor said, nodding his head rapidly.

He stared at Amy for a moment before opening The Sun and turning to page 3. He turned it around and showed her a naked blue alien.

"Tits," he said, pointing to her four breasts.

"No, really?" Amy said sarcastically.

"Yes, really, those are what those are," the Doctor said, turning the paper back around. "I pride myself on knowing bodily anatomy. Speaking of tits, where's my spousal unit this morning? She usually sleeps with me when she's here but she stayed away from me last night."

"Gee, I wonder why that is?" Amy said sarcastically.

"No idea. Anyhoooo, now that I'm here and Rory is fixing us breakfast, we can relax and pal around."

"I'm fixing Amy and me breakfast," Rory said over his shoulder while he fried some eggs. "You can fix your own."

"Yup, Rory is fixing me some breakfast right now, I can't wait to eat it," the Doctor said, completely ignoring him. "In the meantime, I'll listen to my IPod and dream of a full English breakfast. You are fixing a full English breakfast, right?" he said to Rory.

Rory looked at the Doctor for a moment before looking at Amy. Amy rolled her eyes and nodded.

"Um, yeah, I'm fixing us an English breakfast," Rory said to the Doctor.

"Groovy dooby, I'll be here when you're finished fixing our nosh," the Doctor said, reaching into his jacket pocket for his IPod. He put the earbuds in and selected a song while Amy breathed a sigh of relief that her friend was distracted and not talking crazy to her. The Doctor found a song and relaxed in the chair for a moment but then his head began to bob up and down, then he moved his arms around and suddenly he bolted up from the chair and began to dance around the table, snapping his fingers and wiggling his bum while Amy stared at him in disbelief.

"Must be one of his favorite songs," Rory said to his wife while the Doctor danced around the table.

Amy gasped when the Doctor stopped by her and jiggled his tush in her face.

"Augh, get away from me and go somewhere else and shake it," Amy said, pushing on his butt while he gyrated and jiggled it.

Just then River came into the room, the Doctor froze, his face frozen with joy while River stopped and stared at him.

"Spousal unit, you've arrived!" the Doctor screeched while he zoomed towards her.

River ducked and went around him just before he reached her. The Doctor continued out the door, seemingly not noticing she was no longer in his path. River looked out the door but the Doctor kept right on going so she shrugged and walked over to Rory, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Mornin' Father, I see the three day marathon brain damage has begun in earnest," she said to him before going over and kissing her mother good morning.

"Yup, he's been quite vocal this morning," Amy said, hugging her daughter. "He wants Rory to fix everyone a full English breakfast but that's before he ran out of the room. But you're welcome to his share if you want."

Just then, the Doctor appeared in the doorway holding a black fedora in his hand. He put it on his head at a jaunty angle and began to sing Michael Jackson's Bad to them while he imitated Michael's dance moves.

"Let me guess, that's playing on the IPod this moment," Rory said to his family while the Doctor did a crappy moonwalk in front of Amy and River.

He finished singing Bad and threw the hat in the corner before singing Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy to River. He batted his eyelashes at his wife while his face was inches from hers.

"It is quite charming in a toddler sort of way," River said to her daughter while the Doctor sang to her.

He stopped singing and gazed into River's eyes.

"Marry me," he said to her.

"We are married," River said.

"Marry me again so I can sing to you during the ceremony," the Doctor said. "I could compose a song just for you out of my noddle and woo you off your feet in the process. I could do it now since Rory is taking forever to make my food. Want me to do that?"

"Um…okay," River said.

The Doctor took the earbuds out of his ears and put his IPod in his pocket. He sat down beside River and took her hands in his, gazing into her eyes while Amy watched them. The Doctor thought for a moment before clearing his throat.

"Okay, here goes," he said.

He cleared his throat again and began to sing.

"My darling, you are the love of my life," he crooned. "You are my friend, my lover, my wife. I love you, darling, from head to toe but there's one thing you got that I gotta have mo'."

He paused and Amy heard him snicker a moment before suddenly he wailed out like a banshee on crack…

"GOTTA HAVE THOSE TITTIES! THOSE TITTIES! CAN'T HAVE THEM ITTY BITTY. I WANNA SUCK THEM, FUCK THEM EVERY DAAAAAY. TITTIES IN THE MORNING, TITTIES IN THE EVENING, TITTIES AT SUPERTIME. GODDAMN, RIVER SONG, YOUR TITTIES SURE ARE FIIIIIINE!"

Amy and Rory looked at each other while River turned completely crimson. The Doctor was giggling insanely like a mentally challenged hyena and poking his wife repeatedly in the arm.

"Love it, did ya?" he said when he sobered up enough to speak.

"Yeah, it was very…creative," River said dryly.

"Damn straight it was! Came from right here!" the Doctor said, poking his temple.

Suddenly, he leapt like a panther out of his chair directly towards Rory.

"WHERE ARE THE NUMMIES, DAMN IT?" he yelled in Rory's face. "MY BELLY IS GRUMBLING AND IT WON'T STOP! FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST WAS PROMISED ME AND I WANT IT DELIVERED POST HASTE!"

Amy couldn't help but giggle at her husband who was now standing there in silent shock, his hand raised to protect himself while he held the spatula in the other hand. The Doctor was staring at him, his jaws and fist clenched while he waited for an answer. Then the Doctor giggled his hyena laugh again and relaxed as he patted Rory on the shoulder.

"Just fuckin' with ya, Ror-whore," he said to his shaken companion. "I like to intimidate people from time to time. Keeps em on their toes. Looks good by the way," he said, picking a bit of egg up from one of the plates beside the stove.

He popped it in his mouth and told everyone he was going to the shitter and would be right back. Everyone watched while he zoomed out of the room as he loudly announced he needed to make a dump in the loo.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

(Day One Continues…)

Breakfast passed while the Doctor regaled his family with the tale of how he shit a brick into the toilet and how his bum now hurt because the rock hard chunk had to pass through customs, as he put it, and land in the toilet. He finished up by telling them that he was cranky because his anus had been stretched to the limit shitting out the brick and it was very tender. Needless to say, no one ate much except the Doctor who wolfed down his English breakfast, oblivious of the nauseated looks on his family's faces. After downing his food, he excused himself to the relief of the others and went off in search of something to do.

After breakfast was finished, mother, father and daughter cleaned up and put everything away. Amy then went off to her bedroom, intending to spend the next three days in bed away from the mentally challenged Time Lord. She entered the bedroom she shared with Rory and noticed a little black disc on their bed. She closed the door, locked it and walked over to it. There was a small note attached to the disc. She picked it up and read…

PUSH THE BLACK BUTTON ON THE DISC.

She looked at the disc and noticed a small black button near the edge of it. She pushed it and stepped back when a hologram of the Doctor appeared out of it. The Doctor had his hands in his pockets and was smiling at her while Amy watched.

"Hello, Pond," he said to her. "This is a voice interface hologram. It senses the identity of the viewer so I can respond accordingly. I made this last night before the mental shutdown and had the TARDIS put it here while you were out so you'd find it after I went bonkers. I just want to apologize in advance for my behavior. I know I get out of control and annoy people when this happens. The last time it was my fifth life and I nearly drove my friend, Peri, from the TARDIS because I spent the first day chasing her around lifting up her skirt and calling her a shameless slut for dressing like a tart. I didn't make one of these messages in advance and I nearly lost her friendship because of that. You and Rory and River are very dear to me and the last thing I want is for the three of you to leave me for something that only happens every couple of centuries. My advice is just to humor me, play along and have fun. Turn my irritating behavior into a chance to have fun and joke around. You can do that, right? Just go with the flow and humor me and three days will pass quickly, I promise. I'm just like a big kid at the moment; see everything in the spirit of that. I love you, all of you, and I want you to play this for Rory so he knows. The TARDIS left one for River so you don't have to take this to her, just make her aware that the disc is in her bedroom. Well, it's nearly time for the mental shutdown so good luck and I'll see you on the flipside."

The message ended and the hologram faded. Amy took the disc in her hand and thought about what the Doctor said. She heard a knock on the door and turned. She opened the door and saw Rory standing there.

"You're hiding as well, I see," he said.

"Yeah, I was but look at this," Amy said, pulling him inside.

She kept the door unlocked this time and played the message for Rory. It was essentially the same message, except now the Doctor acknowledged both of them while he spoke.

"You know, he's right," Amy said to her husband when the message finished. "How many times have we wanted the Doctor to lighten up a bit?"

"Lighten up, not go completely off his trolley," Rory said.

"Yeah, but…we can spend the next three days in exasperation or tease and have a laugh with him. We're locked in here with him, might as well play along with the insanity. It's not like he's transformed into a Dalek. It's the Doctor, just a bit more mental than usual. I think the way to keep our sanity and keep from strangling him is to follow his advice and take this all in stride.

Rory nodded.

"Beats hitting him over the head with a mallet and doing that repeatedly for three days so we can have some peace," he said.

"TARDIS, you can help, right?" Amy said. "Just make this all fun for us instead of an irritation. Help us."

The TARDIS grunted an affirmation.

"Come on, we'll show River this instead of waiting for her to find the one the Doctor left," she said to her husband before they left their bedroom.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

After showing the disc to River, the three of them agreed to play along and go with the flow when it came to all the insanity. They went off to find the Doctor before he found them. After a short search, they found him in the living room stretched out on the sofa, calmly watching the television. The three companions glanced at each other before approaching him.

"Bum still hurt?" Amy said to the Doctor while she sat down beside him.

"Tender," the Doctor said, his eyes on the telly. "Shhh, stories are on," he added, pointing to the television while River and Rory sat down in chairs on the other side of the sofa.

"Really? What story is on then?" Amy said.

"Archaeopteryx," the Doctor said, his eyes on the screen.

"Um…never heard of it," Amy said.

"Oh, it's delightful. Far better than Eastenders," the Doctor said, looking at her for the first time. "See, there's this alien family and they're like the mafia, they go around killing people but one of the daughters falls in love with this Cagarin who has ten penises."

"Wow, that does sound delightful," Amy said while Rory and River giggled.

Suddenly, the Doctor let out a loud fart.

"Rory, really that's not polite!" the Doctor yelled at him.

Rory was stunned for a second but he quickly smiled.

"No, I believe that was you," he said, playing along.

"Never. I'm the very model of decorum," the Doctor said.

He suddenly fell silent.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" River said.

"My bum didn't hurt when I did that. Suppose the old cheeks are back to normal now."

"So, what do you want to do today?" Amy asked him.

"Stories," the Doctor said, pointing to the TV. "Stories are on, remember?"

"Yeah, but you can watch a bloke with ten penises any day," Amy said. "Let's have some fun."

"I'm listening," the Doctor said.

"Well…"Amy said, not actually thinking up something yet.

"See, you don't know, now shush it, stories are on," the Doctor said, turning his attention back to the telly. "Lush is about to bonk Tor. He's the one with the ten penises, you know," he said, looking back at Amy.

"Who is?" Amy said.

"Tor, obviously. Tor is a boy's name, you know," he said.

"No, I didn't know," Amy said while Rory and River snickered.

"There's a problem though," the Doctor said, looking at the telly.

"What's that?" Amy said.

"Lush only has one vagina so she could have one penis and then another and another and on and on, it could take awhile to get through all the sex," the Doctor said.

"Mmm," Amy said. "So why not do something else then?"

"I'm listening," the Doctor said, looking at her.

"Well…"

"Uh-huh, you still don't know so shush it," the Doctor said before Amy could say anything more.

"You're a pest, you know that," Amy teased.

The Doctor lifted his butt and farted again in response before lowering it.

"Rory really should learn to control himself," he said to Amy while she giggled.

Rory gave the Doctor a wry grin before getting up. He walked over to the Doctor and bent over slightly, thrusting his butt at the Doctor's face while he tried to fart. He gasped when the Doctor smacked his butt as hard as he could.

"Move, stories are on!" the Doctor said.

"Alright, we'll leave you to your bloody stories then," Rory said, sitting back down while his wife and daughter laughed.

"Yes. I want to watch the bonking so I can get a few tips for me and River," the Doctor said to him.

"Okay, TMI there," Amy said, holding up her hands.

"Oh, puh-leeze, Pond," the Doctor said. "You're hardly a prude. After we first met River, you thrust your tongue so deeply down my throat you could lick my anus."

Amy was a deer in the headlights while River raised her eyebrow.

"You had your tongue in his throat, Mother?" she said to Amy.

"Um…briefly," Amy said, blushing, while the Doctor nodded smugly.

"See, I've snogged you," he said, pointing to River, "and I've snogged her," he said, pointing back to Amy, "and I've snogged…"

He was about to point to Rory but he froze with his pointed finger up towards the ceiling. Rory shifted nervously when the Doctor locked eyes with him.

"Don't think I snogged you yet," he said with his finger still in the air.

"That's fine, you don't have to," Rory said.

The Doctor grinned an evil grin.

"SNOG ALL THE PONDS!" he bellowed.

"No!" Rory said, bolting out of his chair while the Doctor leapt up from the sofa.

River and Amy giggled when the Doctor chased Rory out the door, yelling to him to stop so he could give him a little kiss.

"Yes, this could prove fun after all," Amy said to her daughter while they heard Rory scream at the Doctor to stop chasing him.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

(Day One…)

The Doctor strode triumphantly into the living room with a huge grin on his face followed by Rory who was wiping slobber off his lips and cheek.

"I have now snogged all the Ponds," the Doctor said, flopping down on the sofa.

"He snogged you?" Amy said as Rory sat down beside River.

"More like slobbered all over my face," Rory said, looking with disgust at his wet hand.

"If you'd opened your mouth like I asked you to, I wouldn't need to drool on your face and lick it," the Doctor said. "You resisted so I had to take drastic measures."

"I'm glad this only lasts three days. I would never travel with you if this was your normal behavior," Rory said.

"And now, back to my stories," the Doctor said with a sigh.

"Hey!" Amy said, "I have an idea. Let's play a game."

"Brilliant. Let's play a game called I'm a Slitheen," the Doctor said before letting out another fart.

He snickered while Amy eyed him and patted her on the head.

"No, I'm being serious here," Amy said.

"So am I," the Doctor said before letting another fart rip. "My, my, Rory is especially gaseous today. He needs to get that looked at, it's starting to smell in here."

"I was thinking we could do a bit of roleplaying," Amy said.

"Such as?" the Doctor said, glancing at her.

"I think we should play a roleplaying game called Dalek Invasion."

"What happed to I'm a Slitheen?" the Doctor said before farting again.

"Will you stop that?" Amy said.

"Tell Rory, he's the one letting the hurricane out of his arse," the Doctor said, pointing to Rory.

"I was thinking that perhaps I could be a Dalek and I was holding you prisoner and you'd have to escape me," Amy said, ignoring him.

The Doctor didn't respond at first, keeping his eyes on the telly. Then suddenly he leapt up, an "Aha!" look on his face.

"Be right back," he said, dashing out of the room.

He returned twenty minutes later pushing a Dalek in front of him. His three companions leapt up but the Doctor held up his hand.

"Relax, it's not real," he said. "This is a project I did once. I entertained the idea of building a Dalek robot that would allow me to go among the Daleks undetected. If you notice, the Dalek is bigger than normal to allow me to sit inside it."

He opened the top of the Dalek. The top part was on a hinge and the dome swung back. He then went to the front and opened up the front part of the casing, parting it to reveal the interior. Inside were buttons, levers and a small swivel stood with black leather padding.

"Never got to use it before," the Doctor said. "However, if you wish to play Dalek Invasion, I will be the Dalek."

Happy that the Doctor was going with her idea instead of sitting on the sofa all day, Amy agreed to let him be the Dalek.

"So…what's the situation then?" the Doctor said, leaning on the back of the Dalek.

His companions looked at each other.

"Well…" Rory said. "How about the Daleks are planning to invade Earth and the three of us are being held captive in here by a lone Dalek who…"

"Took the Doctor somewhere," Amy said when Rory trailed off. "And we have to escape and find him while the Dalek pursues us."

"Interesting, I like it," the Doctor said, nodding.

"I got a question," Amy said to the Doctor.

"Yeeees?" the Doctor said.

"Where do Daleks come from?" Amy said.

"Skaro," the Doctor said. "They're descended from a race called Kaleds and they were first created by a man called Davros. Why?"

"Well, I was thinking that you as a Dalek would be trying to convert River into a Dalek, is that possible?" Amy said.

"You remember the Dalek during World War 2" the Doctor said.

"Yes."

"Well, part of the reason the Daleks considered it impure was because it was grown with human DNA so yes, it is possible. Plus, there was a thing called Dalek Factor where they tried to convert humans into Daleks but keep their human shape. There was also a group in Manhattan that did the same thing with mind wiped humans."

"Okay, so you took River hostage then and you're guarding her while we try to rescue her and find the Doctor," Amy said, pointing to Rory.

"So the prison cell is here then?" the Doctor said, opening his arms to indicate the living room.

"Yes. River is locked in here and you give us some time to leave and Rory and me will come and try to free River from here," Amy said.

"I like this more and more," the Doctor said. "Okay, Ponds, crack on and I'll guard the spousal unit from ya."

"Come on, Rory," Amy said.

The Doctor watched while the Ponds hurried out of the room before he grinned at River.

"You're my prisoner now, Song," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Ooo, I'm frightened," River said as she sat down on the sofa.

The Doctor walked around the Dalek and got inside it. He sat down and used door hinges on the inside to pull the casing closed. He then locked it with a latch and River chuckled when his head stuck out the top of it. He reached his hand up, grabbed the dome and put it over his head. River watched him while she heard a faint whirring sound from inside the Dalek.

"I HAVE TO START IT UP," the Doctor said through a microphone that turned his voice into a Daleks. "WAIT A TIC."

She watched while the Dalek started moving in a jerky way and she giggled when the Doctor cursed in a Dalek's voice.

"THIS WILL TAKE A MOMENT TO GET USED TO," he said to her. "BE PATIENT, I NEED TO TAKE THIS AROUND THE LOUNGE SO I CAN GET USED TO DRIVING IT."

River watched while the Dalek slowly moved towards her. At first there were a few stops and starts until the Doctor got the hang of it and he was soon gliding around the room. River said on the sofa, looking behind her while the Doctor went back and forth behind her.

"YOU KNOW," the Doctor said, stopping behind her and turning the eyestalk to her face. "I THINK THIS IDEA STILL HAS MERIT. IF THERE IS AN ACTUAL DALEK INVASION, I CAN USE THIS FOR INFILTRATION."

"And I could be your hostage, sweetie, and help you infiltrate," River said.

The Doctor moved the eyestalk up and down, nodding at that. He then went around the sofa and glided up to River.

"I MUST FIND THE PONDS," he said to her. "YOU WILL SIT HERE, RIVER SONG. IF YOU MOVE, I WILL EXTERMINATE!"

"I'll be good, I promise," River said, feigning fear.

"GOOD. BEWARE MY WRATH, HEE, HEE, HEE."

The Doctor turned and River winced when he zoomed towards the door, missed it and hit the wall beside it.

"OUCH, I SEE I STILL HAVE TO GET USED TO DRIVING THIS THING," the Doctor said as he backed up and went out the door.


End file.
